If I Could Help One Person — Part Four

Depression and anxiety have been a relatively constant factor in my life. After the loss of my father to alcoholism more than twenty years ago, I began to use substances to self-medicate. Literally the night I held my dad's hand while he passed, I smoked my first joint. I was instantly hooked. It numbed the intense pain that comes with losing a loved one.

Then entered the red wine — because, let's face it, red wine is amazing. But you add that to psychiatric medications, and it was only a matter of time until I was completely addicted. I was on a one-way path to self-destruction and didn't even realize it. I was self-medicating all day, every day.

You see, there is so much stigma surrounding both addiction and mental health disorders. The concept of being held prisoner by both simultaneously is so isolating and daunting. I continued down this path for nearly twenty years. I don't know if I was hiding it, but I certainly thought I was. I was either high or hungover most of the time.

"There is so much stigma between addiction and mental health disorders. The concept of being held prisoner by both is so isolating and daunting."

Enter Shame and Guilt

I was a mom — and a single mom at that. My little boys were relying on me, and I was letting them down. Looking back, I was so completely selfish, but this is what addiction creates. We become selfish and self-centered. Although I tried my best to be a good mom, I am one hundred percent sure I could have done far better. These boys were my only reason for remaining on this planet.

The thought of not being there for my sons had literally saved my life dozens of times. When I couldn't find strength within myself, I would think of them, and it would bring me back to reality. They needed me, and I needed them. I had never experienced unconditional love until I had my boys.

What I Didn't Know Was Killing Me

The scariest part of those nearly twenty years didn't become clear until I went to treatment. I had no idea that the substances I was ingesting could have caused me to simply die in my sleep. The nightly cocktail of wine, marijuana, and psychiatric medications were slowly killing me. I am still completely dumbfounded as to how I survived.

But maybe it's because I am here for a reason.

I am here to share. I am here to listen. I am here to help.