If I Could Help One Person — Part Five

I won't lie — mania can be fun. Why would you want to control a feeling that makes you feel powerful, invincible, happy? You must remember, I didn't get my bipolar diagnosis until I was 45 years old. I had years of manic and depressive episodes that made life quite interesting and quite difficult. After years of dealing with depression, the mania was always a welcome relief.

With mania comes a multitude of dysfunctional behaviors — including one of the most damaging, hypersexuality.

"After years of dealing with depression, the mania was always a welcome relief. With mania comes a multitude of dysfunctional behaviors — including one of the most damaging, hypersexuality."

Behind the Bar

My years of being a bartender were some of the most fun years of my life. In the background, the problems still existed — but when I went to work, I interacted with so many interesting people. Being a busy single parent had felt so isolating, so working in a bar gave me the social outlet that I didn't have in my personal time.

What working in a bar also gave me was access to a lot of men. Good looking men. Successful men. Men who liked me. Men who paid attention to me — and because my self-esteem was in the toilet, I ate it up. I was like a kid in a candy store. The body count was growing, and my self-esteem was going further in the toilet. With each brief relationship, there was a hope that this was the man who was going to rescue me from being a single mom. I was so naïve and always wanted to believe that men had good intentions. I was in complete denial and making mistake after mistake.

What Treatment Taught Me

That is where inpatient treatment came in. I learned about mania and hypersexuality. When I left rehab, I became a hermit and almost completely non-sexual for five years. Sober sex was not an option. It felt terrifying.

This is another thing that no one prepares you for. If your whole romantic persona involved alcohol or substances, how do you be intimate with someone when sober? Nope, I was not doing it.

The Big Shift

This is where the big shift in my life happened. Magically — or not so magically — my self-esteem began to improve because I wasn't letting men use and abuse me. Little by little, you do get used to having sober sex. Is it as fun? Little by little, yes it can be, if you are with a person you are comfortable with. When you learn to trust, you can let the wall down and reclaim your sexuality.

"When you learn to trust, you can let the wall down and reclaim your sexuality."