If I Could Help One Person — Part Three

I have always been hyper-independent, but I was finally ready to let that go. Once again, with all of my issues, my career in Big Bear had to take a back seat. I was devastated. I had worked so hard to rebuild and it was gone. I was in a manic state and making way too many life altering decisions. Bipolar disorder can be so tricky. A lot of clarity comes from looking in hindsight. When you deal with mania, you deal with altered decision making and lack of personal insight, which lead to a lot of reckless decisions.

I was so confused, and I was leaning on a relationship for support. We will call him "the pilot." I had decided to move to Florida and had turned down an amazing career opportunity with Coulson Aviation. I knew this would most likely be the end of my career. With what little strength I had left, I packed my things, sold my house and drove cross country to start a life with the pilot. I had decided that I was going to give this relationship my all. I was tired of being alone and knew the isolation in Big Bear was no longer healthy. The isolation there allowed me to indulge in all of my vices. I saw an opportunity to heal in Florida. But even as I had decided to move on, there was an important person in my life that was always lingering in the background. I tried to move on to a new, healthier relationship, but some people you just can't let go of.

I dated quite a lot when my kids were younger. My standards were as low as my self-esteem. Around the age of 40, I thought I had met "the one." Oh boy, did I not realize what this path had in store. Imagine two completely damaged people trying to come together and date. It was a shit show. Fighting, breaking up and getting back together. I'm sure everyone was sick of hearing about it, but I could not break the toxic cycle. One of the main reasons that I sought treatment in 2019 was to end this relationship and break the cycle. That lasted for about four months. He crept back in. As you can imagine, it didn't end well. I had done the work in treatment. I had changed, and he had not. Still playing the same games, I realized that I had to stop, and I ended things. We were apart for four years, but did see each other from time to time. It was always like the fireworks on Fourth of July, but at the end of the visits, something deep down in me knew it was wrong to be with this person. I was still healing. He hadn't done the work, and had nothing to offer. So I chose the pilot.

My time in Florida was so good. I had gotten to the point that I was barely drinking. The thought didn't even cross my mind most of the days; however, the devils lettuce was still calling and always lingering in the background. California sober seemed so much more manageable than complete abstinence. I was doing yoga and Pilates four to five days a week and regaining control of my mental and physical health. And just when things were under control, my long-term off and on partner in California lost his teenage daughter to an accidental drug overdose. I knew in my heart that if I didn't come back to California that I would lose him too. So I said goodbye to Florida and my relationship there with the pilot and came back to California.

It was another manic decision that I am still trying to come to terms with. I gave up the stability in Florida to come home to some big unknown. Needless to say, this year since I've been back has been quite a rollercoaster, but this time, both of us are doing the work. It's not perfect, but it is much better than it was in the past. Do you think it will last?